A Slice of Bread and Butter
The voice of The Bread and Butter Thing - with stories from the frontline of the cost of living crisis from one of the UK's leading food charities.
A Slice of Bread and Butter
Surviving and Thriving: Betti's Journey from Arranged Marriage to Community Catalyst
"Food is a luxury." These four words from Betti, a British-Asian single mother in Newcastle, cut straight to the heart of Britain's cost of living crisis. In this powerful episode of A Slice of Bread and Butter, we meet a woman whose resilience shines through a life story marked by extraordinary challenges.
Betti's journey begins with an arranged marriage at just 16 years old, entering a world she wasn't prepared for. With remarkable candour and unexpected humour, she shares the cultural complexities of growing up between two worlds and the shocking moment she discovered she was engaged to a stranger. Years later, after building a family with three children, Betti made the difficult decision to divorce—facing cultural backlash, community isolation, and the bewildering task of learning to live independently after years as a "kept woman." Her descriptions of not knowing about water bills or car taxes paint a vivid picture of the steep learning curve many face when starting over.
When tragedy struck with the loss of her youngest son to suicide following his struggles with multiple health conditions, Betti retreated into isolation. But everything changed with a knock on the door from Bessie, a community worker who invited her to volunteer at The Bread and Butter Thing hub. This simple connection became Betti's lifeline, pulling her from isolation into community engagement. The affordable food bags provided staples like potatoes and onions that helped stretch her tight budget, while volunteering gave her purpose and connection.
Betti's story reveals how community food initiatives create ripple effects far beyond nutrition—volunteers who met through TBBT have become first responders during community crises, showing how food security builds broader resilience. Now an advocate speaking at Westminster to MPs and business leaders, Betti's journey from recipient to champion exemplifies how community support can transform lives.
Want to make a difference in your community? Find your nearest hub on our website or email us about volunteering. Together, we can ensure food isn't a luxury but a right for everyone.
Welcome back to A Slice of Bread and Butter with Vic and Mark from the Bread and Butter Thing. We're a charity that delivers affordable food to the heart of struggling neighbourhoods to help nourish communities and act as a catalyst for change.
Speaker 2:We provide access to a nutritious, affordable range of food, which means our members can save money on their shopping, feed the families healthily, as well as access other support too, right in the heart of their communities.
Speaker 1:And this is where we share a slice of life with somebody involved in bread and butter and hear about how they connect with us.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this week's. That's actually a pet name. I'm 48 years old, I'm a single mom and I live in newcastle so a pet name.
Speaker 2:Has it stayed with you throughout your travels, or did it land in Newcastle?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think it kind of landed in Newcastle. I always grew up not liking my name because my original name is actually a boy's name. When my mum was pregnant with me, she already had a daughter and was hoping for a boy.
Speaker 2:Do you know what, betty?
Speaker 3:I was Emma Louise was hoping for a boy. Yeah, do you know what, betty?
Speaker 2:I was emma louise well, yeah actually. So yeah, I was a massive disappointment because I I'm the fourth boy hey, gosh, it just goes to show you, doesn't it?
Speaker 3:but I mean, I suppose as I grew I did start to love my name, especially when I realized what it meant like. So my original name is Prem Pali, which means love forever, but Betty is sort of pronounced Betty. It means daughter. You get called that a lot, you know growing up, and then it's turned into Betty and that's the story of that. Nice Thank you.
Speaker 2:How did you end up in Newcastle?
Speaker 3:I was born in London. I grew up in Peterborough. In my teens I suddenly found myself in an engagement basically it was an arranged marriage that brought me up to Newcastle at the age of I must have been 16, 17 years old.
Speaker 2:What was it like?
Speaker 3:I think, being a British Asian, it was quite hard when I look back because you know, as you're growing up and you're going through school and college, you see your friends change around you and you do start to realise that you're very different. Like when we went to secondary school, our mum used to make our uniforms for us, obviously because we had to be covered.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But as I've got more insight and I've grown older and wiser, I guess I really, really love the fact that I have that sort of duality between the two cultures.
Speaker 2:But I think as a child, yeah, you just don't want to stick out, do you as a?
Speaker 3:kid. No, no, you just wanted to be as everybody else was. I saw my friends grow up around me going out drinking. It was an absolute no-no for us and it was. We weren't even allowed to look at another boy, you know, I mean going back to the arranged marriage, it was. It was sort of I. One day, my mum, she, took out one of my best clothes and she was like we'll go to the temple. I was like all right. Then I thought, yeah, I'll put my best clothes on. And I just noticed this woman had a massive grin on her face and kept like smiling and staring at me and I thought I kept giving her the evils. I was like what's she staring at, you know? And then when we went home, that same woman and loads of people were there at our house and they were all very happy. And then when they left I was told I was engaged. I was like what?
Speaker 3:wow yeah, didn't know what he looked like, didn't know who he was, no idea so no photos, nothing no, to be honest, my marriage was so fast. It was so quick because, at the time, my own parents were going through a really bad divorce so from that day, betty to wedding day yeah how long?
Speaker 3:oh, I'd probably say less than a year. What was happening is, um my parents, because they were divorcing, they wanted to get the unmarried girls married. So my big sister got married very quickly. But what really upset me was she got a very lovely, beautiful, extravagant wedding, whereas with me it was a very quick thing. Nobody came to me wedding, it was just something that was had to be done very quickly you're like some out of a Jane Austen novel where they're just trying to make sure you get married off.
Speaker 2:I know, I know.
Speaker 3:I just rolled with it. You know, I kind of put up this weird block and just sort of like need to survive. You know, yeah, it wasn't a bad thing, I guess, because when I did get married I went from being in a very quiet, horrible sort of situation. When I came to Newcastle. This side of the family they were celebrating and it was lovely. I remember sitting there. I had my head all covered and you just sit there and all day people were lifting it to look at my face and putting the tenner in my bag. I was like I must have made about 300 quid that day. I thought this is good, I could get used to this. I thought, yeah, this, this could be better than what I had so you had kids.
Speaker 3:I did. Yeah, I had three lovely kids. That was a bit of a shocker because my ex-husband he had his own business so he was abroad a lot. I have mentioned before that I had three, but I have two now. Yeah, because unfortunately I did lose my youngest. I lost Boogie about two and a half years ago do you mind me asking what happened?
Speaker 3:yeah, unfortunately, boogie he. He was diagnosed with autism at the age of 14, so it was quite late. From a trip from India he got quite ill out there and as a result of that he lost one of his kidneys and then on top of that he had dyspraxia and he had hypermobility syndrome and made it quite unbearable for him to sort of live physically and mentally. He was quite unwell. So unfortunately, at the age of 18 he did. He took his own life, which is awful as a mum, even though I get quite well up now just talking about it. It's because it's I feel like I wasn't able to help him, although I know I was doing the best I can for him, but in the end it was too much for him. Any consolation to myself would be that at least he's not in in the pain he was. He was in a lot of pain. So yeah, that's it.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah, so that was two and a half years ago. Were you still married then.
Speaker 3:No, no. So I got divorced. It's well over 10 years that I've been divorced and that was a really hard time for me because in our culture it's not very proper for a woman to ask for a divorce or want a divorce or even be associated with the word divorce. We were living in a woman's refuge for a while. Luckily, we were rehoused and I was given a new identity. I was given a place to live where I was safe there. You know where I was safe there, you know.
Speaker 3:And the only sort of hard part was I had no idea how to live as an independent woman. You know, I'd gone from my parents' home to my married home. I'd always been a kept woman. So I have a very distinct memory where I went into my new home at the time and I opened the tap and there was no water and I was like where's the water? And then they said you have to pay for water and I was like, hmm, I didn't know that. And I also ended up in court, you know, a couple of times because I had a car and I didn't realize that you're meant to do an MOT or a road tax and everything.
Speaker 2:Because everybody else did it for you, right yeah?
Speaker 3:I was going through the tunnel backwards and forwards, All the red letters were going to my old address. Next thing I know I got a knock on the door from the bailiff saying if you don't pay five grand right now, we'll be taking your stuff away. I was like, oh my gosh, what have I done? So yeah, it was a big learning curve for me, yeah.
Speaker 2:It draws real parallels for me with a lot of people that we work with that are working and then suddenly find themselves out of work, and actually they're the same. You know they're like I don't know what to do and I didn't realize I had to pay for this and I didn't know I could claim this and I didn't know I could do this Right.
Speaker 3:That's so true.
Speaker 2:Where did you get your advice from?
Speaker 3:For me personally, it was a very sort of lonely journey. I didn't know where to reach out to, because my own family were not happy with the fact that I was getting divorced. The community turned their back on me because they thought it was very wrong as well. So, yeah, I didn't really have anyone. So I kind of went into myself and then tried to sort of figure it out. It's a tough one, you know.
Speaker 2:Without the support it's, it's quite hard you're clearly a tough cookie, betty, and I know, with the um journey that you've been on, but also tucking Farid under the wing, etc you're a carer at heart. Oh, thank you yeah so tell me about how you came across bread and butter then it was at a time where I was in my house, I was living by myself.
Speaker 3:I just shut everybody out. You know, I was off work and I was in a really bad way. I was like, financially I was struggling. One day I got a random knock on the door so I thought gosh, who the hell could that be? You know, open the door and it was somebody called bessie. She told us that she'd got some funding for a local hub that we have in our estate. It's run by the local housing association and she said you know, it'd be really lovely if you popped in, even if you just pop in for a coffee.
Speaker 3:I was very eager to be a volunteer because it was. It was quite exciting and really enjoyed just sort of unpacking the stuff, packing the bags, having the people come along for the £8.50 for what you get. I really very quickly learned to utilise what I got in those bags and for me personally, because I make curry the vegetables, the potatoes, the onions it was like gold for me. You know, I didn't have to go to the shops to buy anything of that kind and I can quite easily put my hand on my heart and say after all the years that I've been using bread and butter. I've never had to go to the shops to get potatoes and onions, so it works amazing for me.
Speaker 2:So Bessie got you out of the house.
Speaker 3:She did. I often feel like she was that little guardian angel that just knocked on my door one day, you know yeah, and the financial situation was very, very dire, and I think for me it's one less thing to worry about. And also, when you do get the bags, it's quite exciting to see what you're gonna get, you know, and then you're like, right, okay, so I can plan my meals now because you've got your various things.
Speaker 2:So yeah, so what's next for Betty?
Speaker 3:What's next for me, if you're talking about Westminster, to really try and get the attention of these MPs and to talk to the people who have got a platform you know where they can change and to think more about people who are working and still have to sit there and say that a food is a luxury. You'd never think that you'd say that, but it is. You know food is a luxury.
Speaker 2:These days it's something that you either take or you don't, and you'll put other things in front of that that that's yeah really quite a statement, betty, because I have to say I've been talking to a lot of working families recently who have been saying we can't afford a holiday. You know, and we've been having this debate about, is a holiday a luxury? You just brought us right down to earth and gone. Food shouldn't be a luxury, but it is this is the thing.
Speaker 3:yeah, this is what really surprised me, because after I've done all the budgeting, what was left was petrol for the car and food for the house. You know, they were the things that well, take it or leave it. So at times, if I didn't have money for my car, it would just sit on the drive and I'd struggle without it. You wouldn't think in this day and age and in this country that that would be an issue, but firsthand it is.
Speaker 1:Should we start with? Food is a luxury.
Speaker 2:I know. How is that OK I ask so many people that question of what do you see as a luxury, that other people see as an everyday and food as a luxury, is not okay.
Speaker 1:No, we're not just hearing that from Betty, we're hearing that from everyone we speak to.
Speaker 2:Yes, good food cycle. Do we need to talk about it, vic? What is the good food cycle and will it help? So the good food cycle I do like your expressions when I throw these at you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, nina's on about filming them, I'm not so sure. So the good food cycle is the government strategy to help with food security in the UK. This is really broad actually, but it involves making sure we've got the right food but then also does that right food get to people, and there's 10 points that they've just put out. One of them is access to affordable, healthy food. There's some stuff around it, some potential policy alignment, that already exists, but we're yet to really see what extra stuff will happen, and it's nice that they're talking about it.
Speaker 2:They're only talking about it.
Speaker 1:Well, I think, judging by what all of our members tell us and we've got a lot of members, and they're not kidding when they're saying that they're struggling and that food is a luxury and that they can't afford fruit and veg and things- like that it feels like there's probably something really significant that needs to happen to change the dial, and I'm not sure that that's yet been articulated by government.
Speaker 2:They need your Eat Well voucher Vic.
Speaker 1:They do need my Eat Well voucher, but I'm not sure that they've heard about my Eat Well voucher. Maybe I should write to them.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And say how about this?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think we'll put something on the website and get Will to knock up an Eat Well voucher. See what it looks like.
Speaker 1:Nice bread and butter branded Eat Well voucherer go on, try and say that again I know it's a tongue twister, you can't say it a lot. Over and over bread and butter branded. Eat well, voucher nice yeah yeah but like betty, what a woman yeah, what a journey.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah it did kind of make me chuckle a little bit when she's gone through all of this change of life and she's kind of on her own and then she's like nipping through the time tunnel and not realizing that you've got to pay and all of those things, because everything's just been done before. Yeah, and I shouldn't have done, but it did make me smile a little bit just the thought of her running through.
Speaker 2:I know exactly what you mean, but I just think the number of times we talk about life admin and all the rest of it and she hadn't done any. It was like she needed a real education very quickly and it came really starkly. It's like what do you mean?
Speaker 1:I've no water yeah, but then amazing for just getting on with it. And I've met Betty.
Speaker 2:She's a force to be reckoned with she is, and did you meet her at Westminster Vic? I did meet her at Westminster Vic. And why did you meet her at Westminster Vic?
Speaker 1:Because we went to talk to all the posh people in that there, london, to try and make a difference on behalf of our members, to try and get their message front and centre to people that could make a difference, and I think they did a really good job of that actually.
Speaker 2:I think they did. I think they did brilliantly. So we had 10 members that came with us, all with different cross-sections of stories and lives and circumstances, and they were definitely the feature of the day.
Speaker 1:Everybody engaged and everybody is still talking about them yeah, stars of the show, without a doubt, and really powerful, I think, from both sides. Yeah, so getting a day out and going into the house of commons is pretty special, yeah. But then, equally, when they were talking to people that can make a difference in government MPs, policymakers, civil servants, people like that and putting their stories across so strongly, the people that were there were really moved by it and touched by how brilliant our members are. But then really, what a job there is to do to make a difference.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally, and it was fantastic because they didn't just talk to MPs, they talked to Georgia and Sue from Comic Relief. They were really moved by them. And then they talked to Rami, the chief exec of Morrison's, and he, I mean, he was brilliant with them. He was doing selfies with them, which was so much fun.
Speaker 1:Nice, yeah, I love your name dropping, by the way, that was like no shame. Here's all these names.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not like I know them personally or anything, but they were there and in the same room as me and therefore Therefore it counts yeah. We'll have to see whether our message gets out there.
Speaker 1:And message gets out there, and clearly the only way to do that is doing more. Yes, I think that's the key with all of it, though, isn't it? Yeah, you gotta keep on banging the drum which is why we do a weekly podcast perfect, nice plug nice plug.
Speaker 2:So betty and bessie, bessie and betty yeah, so bessie was knocking on the door saying come and help us, and that was a great turnaround for betty as well.
Speaker 1:Again, benefits of volunteering right yeah, and bessie is quite a lively character as well oh you.
Speaker 1:So you know, bessie I do know bessie great yeah so the hub was sponsored by carbon homes originally and it's the benwell hub, judging by what I know from doing my miss marple and it's in. They call them kind of like community rooms or even hobby rooms and it's quite a small room in a small estate up a steep hill. That's like a cul-de-sac. And Bessie was a community champion, should we say, that was wanting to try and do some extra bits in the community and thought that bread and butter and the use of the community room would help provide a catalyst for that. So yeah, we started working with Bessie.
Speaker 2:So how did Bessie find out about us? Through Carbon Homes, okay.
Speaker 1:So they have community workers that are in the community doing all the stuff and they knew Bessie through that, so it was kind of fantastic partnership.
Speaker 2:Okay, linking the two together. The common thread at the Westminster event, everybody said collaboration is key, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And you have just demonstrated how that works beautifully.
Speaker 1:Okay, so this is a tangent, but I'm going to tell you anyway. So I was chatting to Paul from Carbon Homes, who's my main contact there, and we were catching up about hubs and other stuff, and he said do you know what happened at Benwell? There was an incident in the community. That was a hideous incident. I can't remember what it was, but it was front page news and somebody had got hurt or there was a fire or something okay, and there needed to be a community response. But there wasn't a huge community thing there. So what happened? Our volunteers came together and made the community response fantastic yeah, so those just little small things yeah.
Speaker 2:Ripple effect yeah, because without carbon homes and Bessie and Brennan Barty coming together, they weren't a group.
Speaker 1:They didn't know exactly, yeah, and then, when some people needed to stand up in the community, they were like we can do this that's bloody brilliant. Yeah, love that there you go nice so how can people become volunteers big?
Speaker 1:easy. Just go to the hub and ask. We're a really friendly bunch and it's really easy. So I remember it being in hartlepool and there was a lady that had been shopping with us for quite a while and she was really nervous and she said, oh, I've been wanting to come along and join you for a while. Can I do it? Everyone was like, yeah, totally, this is what we do. And by the end of it, from being so nervous and really shy, she was singing songs at everyone and just like in the space of two hours it just completely come to life and I just keep that one with me because she's so nervous at the beginning it's so funny because my 0 to 60 is not in two hours.
Speaker 1:I'm going to sing at you well, I'm glad, quite frankly, but just that kind of oh bit nervous, and then such an inclusive group. I've not been to one hub where the volunteers are like no thanks, we've got this covered, we don't need your help yeah because it's all about you know.
Speaker 1:We allow two hours for packing right Half the places are done in 45 minutes. And then it's all about the brew and the chat. So the more of those people to make that packing quicker and have more time for a brew and a chat, the better.
Speaker 2:Nice yeah. So what about corporates then?
Speaker 1:Corporate volunteers are huge, huge to us, but we tend to keep them in our warehouse and that's because our team work super duper hard and doing some heavy lifting in the warehouse is really helpful, but also because that community vibe we don't want to parachute in for a day no community right because the community are brilliant and they do it week in and week out and yeah, and that's, that's the vibe respect to them because they do a bloody brilliant job of looking after their own right.
Speaker 2:100, yeah, that sense of ownership we would never want to interfere with. No, okay, any more about betty yeah arranged marriages. Yeah, I really loved betty's story about getting my best clothes on, going down the mask. Yeah, don't know why. Yeah, and this woman's staring at me and smiling Next thing, I know I'm engaged it had proper Northern wit to it the way she described it. I loved it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, agreed. I mean, I can't even fathom that, how it would make you feel as a person that suddenly, oh, I'm engaged and I don't know who to yeah too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I suppose it's one of those things. It's cultural norms for different cultures, right. So I'm sure there'll be things that we do that would be really bloody weird for betty as well yeah, totally, that's what makes the world go around, right? Definitely but it was just the way she described it. I loved it.
Speaker 1:It was brilliant yeah, and it feels like betty's, another of our members that's just had some really significant life blows.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And just bounced back. Like you know, our members are like elastic bands, aren't they? Well?
Speaker 2:you say elastic bands. I think they're rubber-coated almost. They've got so much armour. They are such they're warriors oh totally. You think about anybody in your life and you say, right, all of Betty's life story incidents, we're going to throw them at you. You're going to have domestic abuse, arranged marriage, isolation from your family, tragedy of loss of children, all of that stuff.
Speaker 1:You look around and think how many people could cope with that yeah, and to do it with such spirit and the wit, like you say, is absolutely fantastic she's just amazing and she's so bubbly yeah, and also really a brilliant positive impact on the broader community. So it's not just, not just about her surviving, it's about actually she's giving loads to the community day in and day out and she is a natural carer again.
Speaker 2:Yet again. So many carers, be it personally or professionally. They're a different breed, vic.
Speaker 1:They are Brilliant breed.
Speaker 2:They are, they are, they are. So if you'd like to know more about the Red and Butter thing and what we get up to, you can find us at team tbbt on instagram, tiktok, twitter and linkedin or online at breadandbutterthingorg. See, it's easy, it's easy.
Speaker 1:you just they rhyme off like that well, maybe for you and if you have any feedback or thoughts on the podcast or would like to come and be our guest, drop us an email at podcast at breadandbutterthingorg lastly, we're always open to new members at all of our hubs, so if you or someone you know would benefit from our affordable food scheme, you can find your nearest hub on the member section of our website and please do all those things that podcasts ask you to do.
Speaker 1:Like us, subscribe, leave us a review, share us with your friends, chat about us on social yeah, tell everyone see you next time, see ya.
